Semi-Mystical Garbage
by From Her Ashes
Summary: Touga reflects on a certain pink haired girl. Spoilers for first season. Minor spoilers for the end of the series.


((This was written as a challenge fic on a list that I manage.  If you want to read some of the other stories by the talented people on the list, hop on over to mariemaia.tripod.com.  All characters belong to whoever owns Utena.  The song belongs to Patrick Swayze, I guess.  Some spoilers ahead, though most are vauge after the first season.))

Semi-Mystical Garbage

By Deathswings  

            I suppose it had to happen eventually.  Karma, I believe it is called- what goes around comes around, or some such piece of semi-mystical garbage.  But I suppose I give myself too much credit- my whole life is based on semi-mystical garbage.  And it's this garbage I have trusted my soul to, utterly without regret.

Until now.

            I'll never forget the day I first saw her.  I watched as that foolish boy challenged her to a ridiculous duel.  It was obvious from the beginning that she had no idea what she was up against, and yet she triumphed.  She was defeated, broken, bewildered, bruised… and utterly beautiful still.  But she was more beautiful in her moment of triumph.  And I knew.  From the moment I saw her stagger to her feet and rush towards my childhood friend.  She would bring the Revolution.  She had the power of Dios.

Utena Tenjou.

She's like the wind through my tree 

_She rides the night next to me _

_She leads me through moonlight _

_Only to burn me with the sun _

_She's taken my heart _

_But she doesn't know what she's done_

            I lost my heart in that moment.  I lost my very soul to that hair, those eyes, that inner fire.  I wanted her to be mine desperately, and I mistakenly believed that she would be an easy target- most women are a sucker for a pretty face.  I should have known that Utena was not most women.  I should have known that such a young girl with the power of Dios would not fall to simple charm so easily.

            But I did not.  I believed she would just fall into my arms, into my bed.  I thought it would be that simple.  One touch, one meeting, the knowledge that we were connected, and she was mine.

            The meeting.  The touch.  I only got a brief feel for her hair, silken strands of pink- highly unusual- before my hand was slapped away.  Utena Tenjou would not be an easy target.  At least, not in the manner that most of the girls at the school were.  Utena was stronger in mind, body and soul than any other girl I had ever met, perhaps more than any in the world.  Ironic, isn't it?  I was, indirectly, the one who made her that way.   I had never forgotten the distraught girl, lying in a coffin beside her parents, with hair that felt like silk and was the color of the lower sky at sunset.  I just never associated her with the beauty that was now in front of me.  

            But all beauty, even strong beauty, has its weakness.

            I found hers out from Juri.  She was not seeking the power to bring Revolution to the world, she was merely searching for her prince- a prince who had given her something eternal, something to believe in, to fight for… and a the rose signet ring she now wore on her finger.  A ring I also wore.  A ring that I had passed out to the other members of the Student Council.  It was too good.  All I had to do was become her prince on a white horse.  All I had to do was be my normal, charming self, and add a few cryptic lines in there every now and again, leading her to the conclusion that it was I who was her savior, her prince, without ever having to say a word.  And she would fall in love with me.  Then, when she found out the truth, she would already be smitten, and mine.

            Please do not misunderstand me, by the use of the language here.  My feelings, my intentions, for Utena were not the same as for all the other girls.  I truly loved her.  I… still love… her.  And I will never stop.  I simply didn't know any other way to gain the affections of a girl.  It never occurred to me that I might be better off not coming on so strong, or just being myself instead of being the suave, debonair person I presented to the world.  It never even crossed my mind that the charm I was pouring onto her might be making her more uncomfortable than delighted.  I didn't understand her then.  I think perhaps I do now.  

But my chance for her has passed. 

_Feel her breath on my face _

_Her body close to me _

_Can't look in her eyes _

_She's out of my league _

Just a fool to believe 

_I have anything she needs _

_She's like the wind_

            As the days went by, I began to realize my plans were not going as I foreseen.  Utena *was* falling under my spell, slowly but surely.  But she was also falling under Anthy Hinemia's.  I would have been an idiot not to see the affection growing between the girls.  I don't know about sleeping arrangements and that is, quite frankly, none of my business, but Utena was certainly in love with the *idea* of Anthy.  Who wouldn't have been fascinated with a strange society of fencers and Kendo team members who fought in a huge dueling arena with a giant castle over their heads?  It was the sort of thing one only read about in storybooks, like the ones Wakaba was always reading.  And who wouldn't be enchanted by the idea of living with the person who was at the center of all that- the person who brought half of the power of Dios to the Earth.  Even Miki, the most innocent of us all, fought Utena for possession of the Rose Bride.  It didn't make matters any better that Anthy was so shy.  Utena had a sudden new mission in life- making Anthy into a normal girl, maybe even getting her to forsake the duels.  

            This would not be permitted.  I would take Anthy away from her.  Then she would only pay attention to me.

            Foolish, foolish, foolish.  But I was younger then- younger only a few short months in time, but younger years in heart and spirit.  I did not see the error of my ways; my only thought was to have Utena.  I did not think that I was destroying her.  I did not realize that she would be unable to fight properly, thinking I was her prince.  And, unbelievably, I was not seeking the power to bring world Revolution.  I just wanted to get Anthy away from her.  I just wanted to be the center of her world.  I didn't understand anything about her, about her world, or about myself.  I never stopped to look at what I was really doing.  I had set wheels in motion that I was unaware of, a silly hamster in the middle of a diabolical machine.  

            I wish to God she had gotten Anthy to become a normal girl.  I wish to God I hadn't interfered…

            And yet, at the same time, I remember my elation when Utena showed up at school the next morning in a dress.  She was no longer a "prince" with the power of Dios, she was just an ordinary girl, and she could be wooed like one.  It did not take me very long to see the flaw in this plan, this plan and so many others.  She was utterly unresponsive.  I distinctly remember that day- that moment in time- as clear as a summer's day… or a cool night under the stars, under the aurora borealis… or a hot afternoon with a can of cold iced tea… or a beautiful girl in a coffin.  I placed my hand against her cheek, brushed a lock of her hair out of her eyes with the back of my fingers, looking for her hot, angry reprimand, or her sudden flare of love for me.  I got neither.  I got nothing.  There was something dead in her eyes.  Some part of her had died, drained away, fluttered to pieces along with her rose.  I realized with a dull certainty that I had lost her forever, and possibly destroyed her in the process.  It bewildered me, and I didn't know what to do.  Had I single-handedly destroyed my first true love?

_I look in the mirror and all I see _

_Is a young old man with only a dream _

Am I just fooling myself 

_That she'll stop the pain _

_Living without her _

_I'd go insane_

            I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't challenged me.  When she said she wanted to meet in the dueling arena there had been so much fire in her eyes.  She was going to take back who she was, and I couldn't have been happier to give it to her.

            But I would make her fight for it.  Nothing is worth getting that comes easily.

            White roses.  White is the color of purity, and she was really the only one of us that was pure.  She was the only one who deserved to bring Revolution.  I came face to face with the power of Dios that afternoon, just as the sun was beginning to dip into evening.  That fire, that passion.  She raced at me, her light shinning out of her eyes.  The holy actor, cast forever into hell.  How appropriate.  But I didn't understand.  I didn't understand what I had seen until much later.

            Or perhaps I understood, but I didn't want to understand.

_Feel her breath on my face _

_Her body close to me _

Can't look in her eyes 

_She's out of my league _

_Just a fool to believe _

_I have anything she needs _

_She's like the wind_

The moment I realized what I was dealing with was one moment too late.  I can still see the sky, devoid of the castle.  I can still hear the silence, without those bells.  I can still see her, smell her, feel her beside me.  Too late, I honestly confessed my love.  Too late I tried to warn her that she was being used by another claiming to be her prince.  Too late, I *saw*.  It was _her all along.  She was the shining thing, she was something eternal, she was the power of miracles, she was the Revolution.  All the rest of us had merely been actors- she was the real thing.  She WAS Dios.  But if she challenged the End of the World… _

            So I dueled her.  And I lost.  And I suppose the rest, as they sometimes say, is history.  Semi-mystical garbage.  That's all my life has been up until now.  Now what?  What do I do now that it is all over?  I try to forget.  I try to forgive… but mostly I try to forget… forget… forget.

            But before I do, I plant white roses in the rose garden and vow never to let them die.

_She's like the wind…_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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